Here is the background on how pride snuck up on me tonight:
My dear friend's baby shower is tomorrow, and I love her and her husband very much. And I love their baby girl already, even though I haven't met her yet! And I am so excited! I love blessing the people that I love! Especially the selfless, caring, sweet, wonderful people that I know! So I finish wrapping her present tonight when I get home from going out for another one of my dear friend's birthdays (busy weekend!)
Anyway, this will not come as a surprise to those who know me, but I put together a basket for her. I love making baskets! They are so pretty and so personal because you can really put thought into what you get for someone! I have made wine baskets and "kitchen" baskets for wedding showers, a "honeymoon survival" basket for a friend (that honeymoon weekend made a baby! hehe) and I have made baby gift baskets before. Its fun for me, and I really love and enjoys watching my friends and family opening them and enjoying their gifts...and I love knowing that what is in the baskets are useful gifts. It is a way that I show my love. But I don't do it with pride, I do it with all of the love in my heart...
Now back to the basket I made. As I sat there yesterday and put all of the gifts that I picked out thoughtfully into the pretty little basket lined with pink gingham...I thought of this couple at Church. Now, we all have them...we loath ourselves for loathing them...but we have them...those people in our lives that we secrectly compete with and secretly feel contempt for. There may be no reason for it, they may not even know you exist...but they do exist and for some reason, you feel that you must compete with them...even if you don't talk to them, or know much about them...there they are...
So I have this couple...and I'm wrapping my dear friend's gift...and I think to myself...I hope my gift is better than hers...and this is horrible...I am not this person...I hate this part of my person...and then I think...well it has to be prettier--because its a basket...ugh...and I pray. "God, please stop the pride. I do not want to be prideful" These people don't even know I exist (by the way, I don't think my husband 'competes' with them...just I do). These people have their own life, and family and careers and everything else. This is my battle and my struggle.
And even as I sit here, I hate myself for it. And I'm disgusted with those thoughts...and I have no idea how to get rid of them. So tomorrow, I will still probably feel it. And I'll gloat if my gift is prettier and better...and if it isn't...I don't know what...I'm competing with a person that doesn't even have me on her radar...and what's more? Its not like she is richer, or prettier, or further ahead in her career....and the things she has...I don't want....her husband isn't more successful or better looking or any nicer than mine, and yes, she has kids, but instead of focusing on having a family I got my Master's degree, because I knew I didn't want to do it in the opposite order (I don't have 'insane' stamped on my forehead). I'm totally happy with my life, I know that God has blessed me and even just tonight I was telling my husband that I had everything I wanted and I was completely happy with out lot in life....so why do I feel these pangs of jealously and this awful retched feeling towards this poor woman?
And the only answer I have is....the devil made me do it...do I give him too much credit? Maybe...but since there is no logical reason...and I know that I should be happy for this couple...that is my only explanation for it...so tomorrow...who knows if this pride with turn me into the vain, competitive, snot that I am right...but I hope not...I hope the hour and a half of prayer and worship before the baby shower will do me some good and snuff this out. Here goes nothing!
Oh and here is the basket I made...just cause its pretty!
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